Monday, December 15, 2014

What can I say...

Oh well hello....its been a while...too long. Today I was looking for my protein pancake recipe and just got the urge to peruse my old blog posts. At first it was slightly nostalgic, but then it was just happiness...I thought to myself, I like this girl...like really like her! I started my original blog purely for own accountability. I never even thought as many people would read it that do.

Over the past 2 years, I have had many ups and downs, I let life come first. I think sometimes you don't have a choice. But I had to do a lot of growing and learning to love me. I have taken so many right turns over the last year that I am finally coming full circle. Back in 2012, when I called off my wedding, yes, I was sad, but mostly embracing this new life I wanted to build for myself, and mentally I was strong enough to take on anything. What I didn't realize at the time was I had a lot to work through before I could really appreciate and know myself and the road ahead.

Well, now that I am coming to the last turn to complete my circle, it's time to add back in the simple things into my life. The things that were part of me, made me feel comfort, confidence, even serenity. Blogging being a big one. Even if no one ever reads this again, it's okay, I will read it, I will be able to look back on these posts and smile at the life I have built for myself, the challenges I have overcome, and most importantly that I never gave up.

I also want to get back into the posts about my workouts and food. I have been fluctuating with my weight, workouts and diet, but if I have to post my diet and check in with workouts I know I will stay more accountable. For the first time in just over two years I feel strong, happy, and capable of so much! I know I have (a lot of) work to do on my body, but I have no doubt it will come a lot easier now. I have an amazing job, incredible manager, the best best friends, a wonderful family, and my independence. Watch out world, HAHAHA!!

Happy to be back. Happy to be me. Happy to be as blessed as I am.


xoxo
-b



Tuesday, October 7, 2014

The Fixer




                               


The Fixer; the fixer is that person who everyone knows and depends on to fix whatever the problem is.....

When it comes to my friends, I am the fixer. I used to think I just had a big heart and cared about my friends more than most people do. The harsh reality is it's because I let myself become that "fixer" for them. Frankly, it's exhausting! Apparently it took a night of drinking on an empty stomach and an overflow of stress from absorbing everyone else's stress and feelings to bubble to the surface and smack me in the face with the realization.

I do adore my friends, I love them so much, maybe more than I should, but I am a passionate person. I don't want to change that, I like that quality about myself. It comes out in so many positive ways in my life, my workouts, my job, my family and being there for my friends. But there is a fine line between "being there" and "fixing." Fixing is exhausting, it's like a never ending treadmill. 

I have been through a lot, I have overcome obstacles, hard times and pushed through some tough times. I really like who I am, who I've become and who I am meant to be, but it's high time I stop absorbing everyone else's bs.  It's my own fault, I don't like seeing people I care about in pain or stress, but I can't fix that, I can't take that away by stressing myself out, it will be the death of me! 

So.....as of this moment....10:53 am EST on 10/7/2014 I am NO LONGER THE FIXER. I am officially retiring. It's well overdue, and I wish it hadn't taken 4 very strong Captain and cokes accompanied by an overload of all the "fixer" stress to come to this realization, but either way, I welcome the smack in the face realization. 

This is just another lesson learned.  I am stronger than I have ever been. Fixing others will inevitably end up breaking me, so I must let go and relax. 

I am sure many of you can relate, but we are all strong enough to realize we deserve better. Sometimes (more often than not) just have to learn the hard way, but we get better and stronger with each lesson learned. Sometimes just need to take a step back, let go, see where  the pieces fall around you, and in that time will see what's important and what never was. All that stress is just wasted energy. 

Just another episode in the life of Bridget Nicole ;)  

xoxo
-b

                                                            

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Double Standards & Douchebags

Wow. All I could say as I sat on my couch shaking my head in utter disappointment and disgust. After watching both these videos I was reminded of how superficial society has become these days. I can say that because I was a fat girl at one time. I apologize if I offend anyone by saying "fat" but I don't see a need in sugar coating it. I was 284 lbs at one point, I know how people treat you, the way they look at you, silently judge you, and make you uncomfortable to the point you have to joke about your weight just so you can attempt to ease the awkward tension.

Now a days, I joke with my friends about wanting to put on a fat suit and go do everyday things with a hidden camera and then do the exact same things as me now to show people the difference. For example, when I go grocery shopping (or any kind of shopping) almost every male employee I walk past in the store will ask me if I need help, or if I am finding everything okay, stuff like that. Sometimes to the point I want to be like YES, okay, yes I am fine please go about your business if I need something I will ask.

As I am typing this, my GM walks by my desk, "good Morning Bridget, how are you?" Says nothing to anyone else around me and walks away. I sit in between 3 male colleagues. Just saying.

The other side part of my disappointment is the fact that the guys were so rude to the girl, yet the girls were open to getting to know the guy instead of blowing him off based off first looks. These are the assholes that taint the male population and provoke the female perception that men care more about looks than who a girl is as a person.

I could go on all day about all this, but I will let ya'll watch for yourselves. (Below)







Wednesday, June 18, 2014

#100daysofhappy




First off, let me start by saying BOO IS HOME SAFE!!!! If you saw my last post you'd know he had been accidentally let out of the house and I was so scared I would never see him again. But I somehow held out faith and after a call from my neighbor last Thursday saying he had been showing up on their porch my hope was renewed! In case you are not friends with me on my personal FB here is the story...

                                         



My neighbor two doors down fosters kitties and said he would see Boo come to the porch at 7 am and 7:30-8:30pm at night to eat but would always run from them....so I decided to take the humane trap down to his porch to see if I could catch him. Last night about 8:15ish I went walking down, as I start walking I see Boo run from their porch up the hill of bushes into the shallow woods. I immediately started calling for him he stopped and started crying. He was too deep for me too see but still crying. Then he stopped for a moment. I decided to run back to get my cell phone, I ended up talking to my neighbor and then trucked back up in the woods. It had just stormed pretty bad so it was a mess in there. I had a little cup of food, I started calling for him again, I heard a low meow and realized he was literally like 10 feet from me under a bush. I said a prayer and started moving slowly towards him...Boo is already a little skittish as is anyway. I kept talking...he kept crying. Finally I was about two feet away, I got down on my stomach and army crawled under the bush and he sniffed me and gave me his little love head-butt. I grabbed him scooped him in my arms and stared crying and kissing him! Like a "Mom" I was checking him all over to make sure he was okay....I emerged from the woods only to slip in a small mud slide down the hill, Boo was still clinging to me tight! I sat there for a moment, decided to abandon my cell phone and the food, ran Boo home and up to my room where I just held him so happy and crying at the same time. He was soooo happy to be home! I felt it in my gut that of he could hear my voice and see it was me I could get him to come to me and that's what happened! I have never been more happy than in that moment and I am definitely a happy girl now 




It's interesting though, when Boo went missing, I didn't feel like myself, a big part of me was missing and it hurt. I honestly had no idea it could feel that painful. I couldn't workout, I would go home everyday and look for him till I went to bed at night. I did a lot of thinking those first few days. Of course, I blamed myself. If I had never moved this wouldn't have happened. All I could think of was him all alone outside, and how this could happen, I blamed myself.  I quickly started to realize I was losing focus on what I wanted and what is best for me. That includes what is best for Boo. I was starting to let circumstance influence my life. I decided to write down what makes/would make me happy. What would be best for me in my own personal growth and where I want to be at this point in my life.

It's funny how things happen for different reasons. For instance, Boo going missing....made me realize a few things. Most importantly I realized, if I hadn't be so focused on pleasing everyone else around me, planning parties, accommodating everyone elses schedule, cooking for everyone else, pretty much making sure everyone else was happy and not taking 5 minutes to think about myself and my life, I would have realized Boo was missing before I did, OR he might not have gone missing. I like pleasing my friends, but I know better, I was neglecting my own needs and happiness, I only blame myself. I am in control of my life, I make my own decisions.

So, some really good changes are coming. I'm confident in the decisions I have made. Also I am putting my happiness first, I still like doing things for others but if it means saying no once in a while...so be it. I have come too far, been through waaaay too much shit to take a step back now.  Including getting back to consistent workouts, eating really clean, working hard at my job, and my independence.

Change is uncomfortable, and requires dedication and desire. I know I have a good fight in me and I am more determined in getting to a really good place in my life more than ever. Mentally I am at a good place and a lot stronger than I thought, physically, well, I can change that just need to stay focused and think about the end goal.

                                  

I am staying positive, pushing myself and looking forward to a lot of good changes to come. I have been blessed with some incredible people in my life, INCLUDING my amazing Tone it up and fitfluential family I have backing me up and pushing me to be a better me!

Here's to the good times, because my best days are ahead of me! Tomorrow kicks off my #100daysofhappy :)


xoxo
-B

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Yeaaa....I'm back.

Now I know many of you are thinking to yourselves....Bridget wtf??! I know, I know....believe me I KNOW.  The truth is I kept wanting to dive back into blogging but a huge part of me was afraid to because I want to put all that stuff from before behind me. But then I remembered it's what makes me the strong girl I am today and I was like F-this....I miss blogging. Also I know I need blogging, even if it's just for myself, it became part of me.
me and my baby...

So most of you probably follow me somehow on one of my many social media outlets, as you may know, my kitty is missing. If you have followed me for a while you know how much that cat means to me...it's as if my child has been taken from me. I have had Boo for 7 years and we have been through so much together. I am pretty devastated still, however I can't let it literally consume my life. I am doing everything possible to find him, he has been spotted and I even saw him from a distance Sunday night before he took off. It was tough, gave me hope but hurt my heart to see him and he runs from me, his mommy, because he is just too scared.  Probably the worst thing I have ever been through.

I am doing my best to stay positive he will come home, but as the days go by it still just hurts and I miss him so much. Luckily I have some amazing people in my life who have been helping me to look for him and been there to search with me when I get a call and have to go in the woods at night time. I just want him to be okay and come home safe and sound. Unfortunately my life can't revolve around it though, I still have a job, bills to pay, and a body that is suffering right now. I need to stay focused and have faith Boo will come home soon.

I plan on doing some upcoming videos and and workout check ins. I just started my own personal challenge to only spend $30/ week on groceries but still eat healthy. I want to get back to my two a days and check ins all the goods :)  I need all the positivity that I can get in my life at this point right now.

I have come a long way, and many of you may be surprised to know but I will be 30, yes 30 years old on September 13th. I just want to have the best summer ever. So far it has been pretty good up until losing my baby Boo, but he WILL come back and I fully intend to have an amazing summer and celebrate my 30th a very happy and blessed girl. Also I am moving at the end of the summer, finally getting my own place again and I can't wait, really miss living on my own.  I have some of the most amazing friends anyone could ever wish for and I know they will be there and help me to make this a summer to remember.



Hope everyone is having a great start to their summer, and if you aren't, there is no time like now to change that and turn everything around and find your happiness!!

Love you all and ready for some good times and best days to come!

xoxo
-B

Monday, January 20, 2014

She let it go...



Time to move on from the shit storm into the sunlight. Been a long time coming, but finally ready to turn that corner and move forward. I know who I am, I love who I am, and I will only spend time focused on continually growing and bettering myself both physically and mentally. I cut a lot of the fat from my life and I am about to push limits like never before. I have learned to accept change, take the good with the bad and always believe in who I am. Here's to the good times....because my best days are ahead of me!


Sunday, November 17, 2013

Calm before Goodbye

Hello again! I have hesitated posting much lately, mostly because I have been so focused on work, but also because someone said to me that I was putting my whole life out there and anyone and everyone will know every thing that happens in my life. In actuality that is far from true. I actually leave out a lot of things that happen in my life because I do know that there is a certain people who read my blog. What I put out on my blog now is real, raw and honest. It's all I have in me right now, and it is about me, my feelings, my thoughts, what I am going through not anyone else. I may mention people that are in my life but I am not airing their business on here. Then it got me thinking.....this is my damn blog! I can write about whatever I want, no one has to read it. It's for me, it's my own personal release.

I have had a ton of people message me, leave comments or tweet me that they like that my blog is just real and honest. A lot more people are relating to what I go through, and that helps me. Don't get me wrong, I like posting about diet and exercise and things like that, but this is just the route my life has gone. I am going to continue to blog this way, but first I need to give myself some closure of myself.  You are probably like, okay wtf is she talking about?? Well, it's been almost 6 months since my life took a turn I never expected. I have punished myself, put myself through hell, and come back from rock bottom. I am damn proud of how far I have come and that I am still in one piece, can't say the same about my heart, but I am so much stronger than I knew I could be. So I have decided my next post will be a Farewell/Goodbye letter written to the person I was letting control my life when I went down the bad path. I need to let go of all that bullshit and negativity so I can keep moving forward.

I will never forget everything, in fact I am glad for that because it's a reminder of where I came from and where I am now. Healing my scars and finding a good place. After I post the letter, I will continue to blog about life, including my diet, exercise, love life and my career. Just keep it real and honest. I like the fact that people have told me they respect me more for just blogging about real stuff, whether it be good or bad.

Last night it really hit me how far I have come and the confidence and self worth I have now. Went out with a group of work people we went to some fun places downtown I hadn't been to before, including karaoke! We were dancing while our friend sang karaoke and one of the guys said to me that I was apparently "captivating." I don't know about that haha but he was like look around, and pointed out people that were watching. He was like guys hit on you and you just brush it off. PLEASE understand, I am not saying this to make myself sound awesome or that I am that good or anything....I am saying it because in that moment I realized I was being the strong confident person I know I have had inside all along. Before with so many insecurities, fears, and being naive I would entertain the douche-bags that came up to me. It felt good to know I am unwittingly making better decisions.  I think a lot has to do with loving myself more as a person and knowing what I want, and it is not these guys haha!

So I wrote this blog on Saturday evening but was interrupted before I could finish it, sooooo I am now haha. I have some events, especially one in particular coming up the second week of December and I need to push my body past its limits the next 4 weeks to ensure I look amazing at these events. So I am eating nothing but chicken breast, asparagus, protein shakes and eggs for the next month. Accompanied with 2 a days and heavy lifting. This is not an option. It is now or never and I know I am strong enough to push this right now.

Hope everyone had an amazing weekend!!

xoxo

-B

Sunday, October 27, 2013

My life in Lyrics

These songs are lyrics that give me chills. The reason is because the lyrics are almost literally outline the events in my life. It's crazy, I have always had a weird ability to find songs that soundtrack my life....but these are so on point.





















Saturday, October 26, 2013

Taking the good with the bad

Finally back to my favorite Saturday afternoon blogging in Starbucks! Even better Starbucks has all the fall drink specials and it's already colder weather here! This weekend I purposely made no plans to do anything, and I think it was the best decision ever. I haven't had a down-time, relaxed, nowhere to go weekend in forever. Plus my college football team was getting slaughtered in their game so it was easy to stop watching and head to Starbucks.

The last few weeks have been up and down. I fully expect good days and bad days, sometimes I just get frustrated because I'm ready for the good to start out weighing the bad. I want this promotion at work after the new year so I am busting my ass right now to constantly hit all my sales goals. Only trouble is it is the slowest time of year in my industry. I have faith in myself though, and I shall push through! Last Friday I met Cesar for coffee to catch up and spend sometime together. It was MUCH needed and overdue. He is doing so good in his new job, he has a really nice girlfriend, and best of all he is genuinely happy. That's the best feeling, when you see someone you care about doing so well and just really happy. He is like a brother to me, I want nothing but the best for him. 

This past Thursday I met one of my other guy friends who is part of the group I always refer to as "the boys." His name is Jahron, you may have seen me mention him before, sometimes I call him Jingles--haha long story. We met for drinks at a bar/grill we all go to every weekend. It was really important for us to talk about some of the stuff that happened back in July. He is actually the friend I mentioned in this post, that hurt me so bad. I was so broken, and he just threw acid in a open wound. It wasn't the first time he and I have seen each other since, but we have never addressed what happened. It was a good talk, very honest, we laughed some which was really nice. Definitely a double edge sword, part of me is still so hurt and angry, but there is a big part that just misses him so much.  Jahron was there for me through some tough shit in the past. He is the one who sat there and talked with me for hours when I was trying to figure out if I could get married. He was my boo. But he is young, and sometimes that is very apparent. 

Jahron has this ability to know when something is bothering me without me even saying anything. No one has every had that connection with me, until Joey of course. I needed this talk with him for my own mental health. I went into it with no expectations, I think we left it in a really good place. I felt sick to my stomach when I left him though, it was very difficult to talk about everything that went down with Jake. Surprisingly he was supportive and said he understood I wasn't the only one at fault (was refreshing to hear).  Jahron will always have a special place in my heart, and right now we are starting from the bottom to rebuild our friendship. One day I hope we can have that same level of trust and closeness that we had before, but at this point I am doubtful. 

I am focused on me and my life. I am learning to love the person I am. I actually crave that alone time with myself. Things will only get better. I only want to surround myself with people who mean the most to me, those who are in a good place and are where I want to be. 

It took a crash to understand, time kept slipping through my hands. I never used to know the sun will shine after the rain. My mistakes are in the open, and now I'm finally coming clean. Say goodbye to the way I was before, say hello to a new way.  I was lost, but I found what I was looking for, waking up to a new day.



xoxo
-B




Tuesday, October 8, 2013

#TexasIntervention

Hello again. I'm back home after about two weeks of traveling. I was in Maryland for a few days then back to Raleigh for work for a couple days then off to Texas for five days. Both trips were a lot of fun, but the Texas trip meant so much to me. It was a birthday gift from two of my sisters. I got to see family and friends, we had so many laughs and good times. I can't even explain how good I felt while I was there. I was so torn up when I got to the airport to go home. Hardest goodbye.

Many of you probably saw the pictures I posted on my instagram of me and my sisters. I have always been pretty close with these two sisters, but through the shit storm that I have been going through since the fallout in July, I have gotten extremely close to these girls. We literally talk or text everyday. It's funny because I tell them everything, including all the things between Joey and I and they have their opinions, but ultimately are protective of me so some of the stuff they say makes me laugh and wish they lived closer.

On my trip to Houston we had a lot of just girls/girl talk time, so naturally we had a heart to heart about my current situation and where I'm at with my life. I joked and called it "#TexasIntervention," haha--it really wasn't but I found that humorous!  I know I have made a lot of progress, I'm finding what I lost so much of (myself), and getting stronger everyday but there are still some things missing that tears at my heart daily.

We were at a bar downtown in the Woodlands where my sisters live, and I remember my sister Heather saying to me how proud of me she was and how strong I was, I remember I looked at her, and said, thank you, I miss him everyday, it still hurts like hell. She gave me a half smile and said everything will work itself out as it should, then we took shots haha (seemed like good timing). It was nice to go out with them, I've spent most all my nights and weekends home alone or low key with my best friends the last 4 months.

I know my sister is right. I am stronger and things will work themselves out, but when you are constantly thinking about the thing that is hurting you the most it can get hard to see past the storm. I do however think  know I am strong enough and ready to talk about some stuff that needs to be said. I have waited because I wanted to make sure I was in a good place, confident enough in who I am, able to say what I want/need to and possibly walk away. I do talk to the boys some, which I have missed, but I have some things I would like to tell them as well. I feel like it is necessary for my own journey. I think it will help combat a lot of the weak moments or days I go through.

I have been punished as well as punished myself more than I deserved.I know I am a good person with a good heart.  On my flight home from Texas, I realized I didn't want to come back to reality here. I was so happy with my sisters, I didn't think about any of the bad stuff, I just felt so good. I will always remember this trip, and how amazing my sisters really are. That being said, I love my friends here in North Carolina and I wouldn't trade them for anything <3

My sister and I were texting while I was unpacking last night, I was just not having a good day. She sent me this first thing this morning, she's right and I love that she thought of me...

This is the highlighted part.....


Below are some pics of me and my sisters.....we are our own breed lol...




Yup those are my sisters Heather (left) and Alicia (middle) and me, being silly! We really had such a great time! Can't even express how much I love them :) 

Now it's back to reality, and now more than ever I need to stay strong, focused, and have faith. I posted this video on my personal FB page today but I thought I would post it here as well. When I hit the discover button on my spotify it brought up this song. From the beginning I was drawn to it...then I watched the video on Youtube. It felt like it was written for me, about my life! I am sure many of you can relate to it as well though. It's pretty amazing.  New Day





xoxo
-B

Friday, September 27, 2013

Finally Fall

Well it's been almost 10 days since my last post....a lot has happened in that time. Been a very busy girl :) if you follow my Twitter or Instagram page you probably keep up with most of what is going on in my life. Mostly all good, positive things though. 

So for starters...I moved!!! I know what you're thinking...Bridget you just moved to that house a year ago and you were very excited, what gives? I mentioned it in a recent post here.  
My new place is ADORABLE! It's smaller but I love it! My roommate is pretty much awesome, she is clean, super sweet, always happy, and I love her laugh. Oh and she LOVES my kitty Boo! This was another step in the right direction for me. I needed to get away from downtown living, my priorities are just so different now. 

Yesterday I had my first session with my therapist in 3 weeks! It was good. I told him pretty much all that happened since we last met. We had talked about this being my "test." On my own, being strong for myself. I passed with flying colors, well at least that's what he said. I actually made a lot more progress than he expected. I had my breaking/turning point, and found a strength I never thought possible. It feels pretty awesome! For one
thing, I used to feel a slight sadness all the time, but now I am just...happy. Whether I'm around Jake, the boys, my friends, family, doesn't matter, I just choose to be happy. 



I think this strength has helped me to realize I AM going to be okay. No, scratch that I am going to be better than okay, I will be really good :) Knowing who I am, what I'm worth, believing in me, and my happiness just makes me mentally the strongest I have ever been in my life. I still have some weaker moments, but I allow myself to feel and express emotions, then I tell myself it's okay, and I get past it, quite quickly actually. The last time I saw Jake I woke up the next day and I was really happy. Not sad or worried, just thought, well time to get on with my day and ready for my week. I didn't think too much, I didn't feel bad or question anything. I felt strong, and in control of myself and my life. That's when I knew I was really making strides. I even sent a text my bestie and my sister about it I was so proud haha. 

My workouts have been very consistent, 2 a days and pushing harder than ever. Actually feeling/seeing the difference in my body too. No drinking during the week...this is huge I know haha....but I'm sticking to it! Back to eating normal AND keeping it down. HUGE improvement! Helping me get my muscles back :)  I am participating in the Tone it Up #FriskyFall challenge as well. I'm calling it my comeback challenge. Three of my girlfriends are doing it as well, Tara, Ashley and Jamie. We are going to rock this! I just love Fall, it's my favorite time of year. 

Since football started back my whole world has changed. I get so gitty and happy. I LOVE football, and the weather during football season is amazing! Plus I ended up at the same bar to watch it last Sunday and was able to talk with Christian for a little while. It was really different, but much needed I suppose. Even with this week being an extremely stressful week, end of month&end of quarter at my work and we are behind in quota, my mood is still good. It was a very productive week. Now I get to head to Maryland (my home state) for the weekend to spend time with friends and family! We are going to have an all American Maryland style weekend, accompanied with some baseball and football games! Just gotta push to get through today and crush it at work, then I'm off! 

Hope everyone had an amazing September! It was my best birthday yet thanks to my amazing & true friends! Here's to an ever better October!! 

xoxo
-B

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Strength is Overcoming








I just want to start by saying, my day started out incredibly. I woke up went to speed spin class that pushed my limits, I was feeling the burn. Then when I was getting dressed for work, the weather was AH-MAZING fall weather, so I decided to wear jeans and boots.....but when I put on my jeans...the same jeans that 2 weeks ago were so tight on me...today were actually kind of loose! I couldn't believe it...seriously I lit up like a Christmas Tree. I did a little happy dance in my bathroom and headed to work floating on cloud nine. It is the best feeling when you can feel positive changes of your body in your clothes, especially jeans!  So that set the tone for my day. :)

Mentally I feel really strong now. I am in control of my life, and more importantly my happiness. I like being able to wake up, go work out, and get ready for work in a good mood. No sad music, no feeling like crap, not constantly exhausted....it's lots of energy, smiles, happy music and feeling good. Today I decided to go back and read my July 5th post, I don't know what made me do it, but then I read through a few more, up till my most recent. I was actually very proud of myself. I have come a long damn way. I honestly NEVER thought I was coming back from the shit hole I was drowning in, but I wanted to find me, and feel strong and happy again so bad I somehow pushed myself through it. I do think talking to someone helped, but he just gave me a boost and I climbed the rest of the way on my own.

I would like to say I am back to the strong girl I was before but I'm not.....I'm stronger and better! I am pushing myself harder than I ever have, in the gym and in life. I have moments where I think about certain things, I miss some stuff, but I can mentally talk myself through it and I know it's okay to be emotional sometimes. I have found a mental strength I honestly didn't know was inside me. My feelings haven't changed, I am just in control of them now. I know I can never go back, only move forward, and the people who care about me will want to move forward with me and be part of my life. Those who don't, well, that is their choice and don't deserve to be part of my world. I do want to reconcile stuff with the boys to a really good place at some point, right now I am just taking it one day at a time and knowing it will get there eventually.

I had/have faith in God and in myself that I will grow stronger, better and happier with each day that passes. I just had to "trim the fat" and  cut out the negative. It's funny, before I used to worry about losing people in my life, now I am perfectly fine with only keeping the ones that are nothing but good for me, whom I care for deeply. I know who I want in my life and who is good for me, no one else can decide that for me. I seriously have some of the most amazing friends and family anyone could ask for.  Especially my family, my parents and sisters and brother, just been so incredibly supportive and loving the last 3 months.

I am not sure how much longer or how frequently I will continue to see Dr. Mike, but I do know I am excited for my session next week to tell him how strong I have been ON MY OWN the past few weeks. The "breaking point" I had wasn't a bad thing at all, everyone has one. It was my turning point. That moment of clarity when you realize you are stronger than you know and can take control of your happiness and your life. I am grateful for the struggles and pain I have been through because it really makes me appreciate the good times and people in my life. I am a strong, caring, determined, & positive girl....I know I can have weak moments too, but it doesn't take away from how far I have come and will continue to go.

                                  

xoxo
-B

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Unexpected Happiness

Well, I am officially 29 years old and starting a new year/chapter of my life. It feels good, at least better than I thought. I had a great birthday dinner with my closest friends Friday night at my favorite restaurant. It was very  nice and kind of low key, exactly what I needed. Saturday morning I did a 90 minute spin class and felt INCREDIBLE, I was so proud of myself! That evening was the Duck Dynasty party at my good friends Tara and Darron's house.  This party was the first time I was going to see the boys in over 3 months and had not talked to them since all the shit went down.  I was a little nervous, but I knew I was strong enough to handle it.

I actually ran into them when they got there as I was walking up the stairs, was a slight awkward hello but they were very nice. The night was going well, we all started to really relax and have a really good time. My best friends Ashley and Law (married to each other) were there and that made everything that much more awesome. The weather was amazing as well so we got very lucky. Jake came too after he got off work. Things were good, we all interacted well and everyone had fun. Jahron, (who was actually the friend that betrayed me back in July) was very sweet and talkative with me. He and I were very close before that's why it hurt so bad when he did what he did. I sat down next to him on the couch and looked at him, I said how have you been, he said good....asked me the same...I said really good now....and then he put his arm around me, pulled me for a hug and told me he missed me. I immediately said me too. It was one of those moments where you both knew what happened, that it was hurtful, but didn't need to be brought up, you both just needed to move forward. We talked about our lives the last 3 months. He told me that I looked really good and happy. I told him I was coming into my own, and that I believe this happened so I could find myself, and get on a good path in my life. He agreed, he did say he was sorry I got put through all this and that he knows that I am a good person and will only get stronger from all this.

I found myself looking at the boys at times throughout the night, remembering what it was like to be around them, how they make me laugh, talk sports with them, and how we can all joke and talk junk to each other. I miss it....I miss them. BUT things are different now and I can't go back, in fact I don't want to either. I knew seeing them would be bittersweet. I am good though, I think we will fix our friendships, they will never be the same as they were before but I actually think it can get better. I am so much more confident, happy, healthy, and calm than I was before. I have been through a lot, I am finally figuring it all out and I really like the girl that I am finding underneath the dark layers. I love the strength that I have found, I know it was there all along but to actually feel it is just incredible.

I know I have accomplished some really amazing things with losing weight and changing my life, but this....this is different. This is finding this person inside me, who I am meant to be, the girl that is truly Bridget. I wake up and smile, I workout hard, push myself further than before, I know what I want and I have faith that life will work out the way it's supposed to. I like this person, I am strong willed and I believe in myself....ALL of me...mentally, emotionally and physically for the first time in my entire life. I'm happy. I know I am going to be something great. God made me a strong girl, gave me an AMAZING family, incredible friends, and I will do great things. I will make my family, friends and MYSELF so proud of me and who I have become.

This was the best birthday yet, this is the start of something new...something amazing...something true. I am still "trimming the fat" out of my life everyday....because in life there are some people you have to lose in order to find yourself. I like knowing who my true friends are and knowing they are nothing short of incredible.  I think we often like to complicate things when it is really quite simple, find WHAT it is that makes you happy and WHO it is that makes you happy...and you're good to go. I know I control my happiness, NO one else.

Happy Sunday Funday!

xoxo
-B

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Stronger






Happy Hump day! This week has been decent so far. I am hoping it ends with amazing, because Friday is my Birthday and I honestly feel I'm due for something good. I am proud to say I have been going hardcore on workouts since last Saturday. I'm back at it with two-a-days harder than ever. I have been doing back to back spin classes as well as lifting. For the first time...probably since last September/October I feel motivated and able to wake up with my alarm to get in the gym. Also not talking myself out of it in the evenings either. I feel strong. It's funny because I had my last appointment with my therapist last Tuesday, and my next one isn't until the last week of September. I was worried I would want to talk because I was feeling weak or stressed, but I am doing good. I think this is the true test to my progress. To prove to MYSELF that I am strong, I control my happiness, and I'm finally meeting the girl inside me.

I still have moments when I think about things, constantly reflecting on the last 3 months. I think that is a good thing, it reminds me of the path I was on, what I have endured, how far I've come and how hard I have worked to get to where I am now. This weekend it will be 3 months since the worst week of my life. I honestly wasn't sure if I was going to be able to come back from all that. When you allow yourself to be consumed by others,  you lose who you are whether you realize it or not. You are not going to come back from it until you hit that wall and realize you have no idea where you are or who you've been. This has by far been the hardest experience of my life. Ah, but everything happens for a reason right?

Tonight it all hit home for me even more than it has so far.  Someone who doesn't even know me or what I've been through came up to me in the gym and said to me that I looked like I was in a better place. When I asked them what they meant he replied, that he had seen me look like I was in a funk for several months now. Several meaning more than three.....I didn't know what to say at first. This total stranger can see that I was struggling inside before I did.  I told him thanks, I was going through some stressful stuff. He looked me dead in the face and said "Well it looks like you made it out of the dark, keep up the good work it's nice to see the strong in you surfacing." I quoted that because I literally stood there as he walked away just taken back by that statement.  It was a weird moment. I shook it off and resumed my walking lunges. After a couple minutes I found myself smiling....I don't know why but I had an overwhelming feeling of calm inside me. I knew I was going to need to blog about this one!

The hard times in life happen to makes us stronger and appreciate the good times a lot more.  I am blessed with a lot of good things. I am on a good path now, and I refuse to get lured off into darkness ever again. I have faith that things will work out the way they should,  I have to believe. Sometimes God is not going to give you want you pray and ask for right away, but you keep praying for what makes you happy. Everyday may not be good but there is something good in everyday.


xoxo
-B